And then ... Patapsco Valley State Park in Maryland

After writing the entries at Assateague on the beach, I up and threw my camp into the rental Toyota and tore out of there before anyone else could look at me weirdly or chat pointlessly. After visiting the Sandy Pointe State Park on the Chesapeake Bay to find they don't have camping, I drove on in a huff to Pataspsco, sort of blindly. Here's some blurbage about the park.

" Patapsco Valley State Park extends along 32 miles of the Patapsco River, encompassing 14,000 acres and five developed recreational areas. Recreational opportunities include hiking, fishing, camping, canoeing, horseback and mountain bike trails, as well as picnicking for individuals or large groups in the park's many popular pavilions.

With Patapsco's Trail Management Plan in hand, funding has begun to renovate the trail system and upgrade signage and information systems. The park is nationally known for its trail opportunities and scenery.

In one of Maryland's first state parks (1907), the valley and its natural resources have been enjoyed by the Native Americans, explorers, settlers and present-day citizens. With its source in Frederick and Carroll counties, the Patapsco serves the Port of Baltimore, and empties into the Chesapeake Bay.

The Avalon Visitor Center houses exhibits spanning over 300 years of history along the Patapsco River. Housed in a 19th century stone dwelling in the Avalon Area, the center includes a re-creation of a 1930's forest warden's office."

I don't know what's worse, feeling obligated and irritated to be part of a group when I went to be left alone, and really don't want to share a campsite ... Not after the stress I've been under - OR sitting here with no fire and feeling like I could cry, actually, wishing back the tears.

OK, so tears are not helped by going 9+ hours with nothing to eat (since breakfast on the camp stove), and driving 3 hours to a campground only to find it was a park, not a campground, despite the tent icon on the topo map.

I took a deep breath, and drove another hour (that hour WAS out of my way) to this State Park recommended by the ranger with the shitty directions.

I got here, set up camp, and proved to myself that I can't get a fire going with it being this damp, without a fucking duraflame. 5 USD in firewood shall return home with me.

More after a shower ...

I guess I am just hatin' what I don't have, and sometimes, hatin' what I do.

I mean, I went to the meetup camping excited to be there. I guess I quickly realized that my available bullshit social self was just on strike. I didn't realize how much glomming together it was. Ugh. I didn't want to sit around with a group of people and just listen to them blather on, which was just good natured bullshitting, but I just had no tolerance. Worse, absolutelt no interest. I was looking to reconnect, maybe do some activities (like big hike, so I wouldn't have to worry about being by myself), but this was like there was no place to just be.

I felt awkward because I was the first to bail on the campfire last night, and didn't rush back over this morning (I got some odd looks), and I wanted to veg on the beach, and write or read, not hear this group of guys scream like 5 year olds nonstop.

The group, or people in it weren't doing anything wrong - I just realized too late that I just didn't have the tolerance to deal with nonstop 'work' socializing. And listening to some average guy that I wouldn't bother beating go on about the 3-4 girls he's got on a string ... Please! He needed a gag.

I am feeling so, umm different.

Does anyone else find the meetup phenomenon weird? I thought that you did it to make friends (of your own), like a dating service. But people I talked to have been doing some of the groups for a long time - like a year or two. Like, it's not a pathway to make friends or be friends outside the group?? What the ?? Is this some social equivalent of a one night stand? Fun friend activities where we all pretend we're friends and do the fun part of being friends, but like, skip the cheese on the floor?

Maybe it's just me. Maybe it would be fun if I weren't alone.

OK, if I weren't alone I wouldn't bother. I'd be like other folks at the campground- here with friends or family. I think I am the only person alone here, or the other alone persons can't make fires either and are in their tents writing like me.

If the meetup is the transient solution to lack of friends, I don't know what to say. It's like small-talk work for me. Red necks, accountants (I prefer the accountants), etc., but I feel awkward talking to the guys, because they are looking to get laid, and the woman are looking at me weird because I appear to be single. They probably think I'm looking to hook up with their cig-smoking old men.

It's like too many women my age are dumpy and have the adventuresome spirit of a worker bee. And the younger girls are like telling me about the beach house meetup and how it wsas like the MTV Real World house for a week, and a big commual setting.

I didn't tell her that I remember when MTV started. Like, the WEEKEND it started.

I'd rahter shoot myself than be in the Real World. I am almost 42 years old! I have no desire to be 20something again, but I am not some tired woman in a Walmart short set with a gut either! Jesus!

I really would prefer to be camping with sasha or Brad.

So it's really dark!! And I'm sitting here at my firefree campsite (conserving oxygen, which fire consumes!). It's really dark, I'm in the woods and I have a lantern going. And yeah, I'm writing on my blackberry, because it's such an easy way for me to journal.

So, it does suck that sasha and Brad are both hardly ever available on weekends. I mean, that's the crux of why I am freakishly alone right now. Believe me, I would feel less weird if I were in the middle of no where without anyone. But that's really not safe to go backwoods hiking with no one. What the hell?

It's not that I don't appreciate Brad working his tail off, I totally do. It's just that my life is still my life: I work my ass off, and I have the weekends. And Yeah, I'm 42 and feel like I can't wait for companionship to venture off my couch. Till when? When I'm 50? Yikes. I don't want to miss my life. Especially when I'm building a new one.

What would Hope say?

Probably to go on about my business alone, if that's my best option, and trust God to send the friend. I'll just continue on and try not to be SO FUCKING PATHETIC!

Feeling lonely totally makes me feel beyond pathetic.

I do feel less scewed up than I did earlier: having eaten noodle soup and a brat, plus a handful of grapes, given up the fire (I will conquer it next time), and I got a shower. And washed my dirty dishes. I have on clean underwear and smell like cookies. :)

Maybe Brad could take off a weekend a month during camping season to go camping together. It's really very nice and I would enjoy bustling around to take care of us both.

Must stop the pathetic thought that Brad will come and join me at the campground tonight as a nice surprise. He probably didn't even look to see where it's at. Must be busy, as he's not answering any texts or taking my phonecall earlier. Ugh, must not think about that, as it upsets me and adds to pre-exisiting patheticness.

I am so glad that I didn't let yesterday's frustration and whining get in my way (overly much).

I slept well, totally enjoyed my new book, Twilight, and woke up happy. It helped to talk to Brad for about a 1/2 hour last night (finally). He's right - meeting 20 people all at once on a camping meetup could be just overwhelming or too much for anyone, and anyone could feel like an idiot.

Of course, I spend half a day stewing over that basic observation, and analyzed it to death. I should have called Hope, who also enlightens me by saying things like 'normal people get tired by the end of the day' when I am thinking I amsuffering from depression an biochemical imbalances.

Speaking of which- no wonder I was all melty and snarling yesterday! I hadn't worked out since the day before the event - that was either Monday or Tuesday when I ran/walked 3 miles (took me 90 minutes). Seriously, going 3 or 4 days and not working out is a kiss of mental meltdown assurance. I should manage myself better. Plus going too long without food and dehydrating myself on top of it. Geesh. And then throw a major special event in there for work on which was riding a big financial performance plus the usual jillion event details!

Anyway, the light was lush this morning, peeking through the screen of my tint. Shy and green tinged from the trees. It was a little cool, and made my bag all snuggly as I burrowed in my sleeping bag (which is huge) in my stinky Wild N Free tshirt from Larry and a pair of clean last night panties.

I made some chai from a mix (brilliant of me to bring it), some Honest Tea, water, and hiked to the restroom, which is closer than I realized. I made some oatmeal too, and read some more of Twilight while I ate. I checked in with Brad. No need to rush home, as he's at the store till 6pm.

I got on my 'running gear' after my tummy settled, thinking to get a serious hike in before it got too hot. It was 90 degrees yesterday, and it's already dripping wet.

I spent about an hour total, walking, at best about 3.8 MPH because of the steep hills and my nagging knee.

From my campsite, I strode to the trail (photo) and cluelessly got on it. It was trecherous and i Was being really careful. It was a super steep embankment, leading to a railroad, over which (and down again) was a lovely stream (photos).

The first thought that popped in to my head was 'oh the rocks!' When I looked first had a clear view. What looked ugly (and was slippery) on the trail was gorgeous in the stream. The humps of the black rock seemed somehow female and majestically meant to be exactly where they were - each one. I am sure the photos won't do them justice. I tip my hat to Mother Rock!

More later - hopefully from home! Time to get a packin' and on the road.

Camping in Assateague State Park

So, it's a state park within the Assateague National Seashore, south of Ocean City. It's a barrier island on the east coast. Near Virginia, Maryland and Delaware intersection. I had no idea Delaware was nearby until I was reviewing topo maps for potential hiking opportunities.

So ... I head out there to meet up with a meet up group. In retrospect, I was in no mood to meet 20 new people at once, like a nonstop cocktail party of small talk. I was there less than 24 hours and made the following journal entries, and snapped a few pics.

THE FIRST OBSERVATIONS
After hours of packing gear, I finally got in my rental car, and drove out here! It's funny that regardless of what sort of gear, I am a gear fetishist and it takes me forever to get ready.

I must say, I missed the dog, as he is the best to while away several hours with gear organizing and reorganizing, and searching, and completing various missions. LOL, Leather Retreat being a great case in point when we actually missed meals and parties because we were 'getting ready'. It's so in the zone, to over-use a worn phrase.

Yesterday as I pulled in to the Assateague State Park, there was a small herd of ponies at the gate, just as I pulled in. They are charming little brown and white painted ponies and also some solid brown ones. After going to the Park Ranger building to get my camping assignment, I encountered more while looping towards the campsite!


I suppose I should have expected that beach camping would put me elbow to elbow with other people. This is like camping in a field of sand.

The wind was magnificent, coming off the Atlantic. My hair was straight up in the air, except for that covering my eyes. I quickly put on a giant rubber hair band to hold it back, and set in to pitching my tent.

I was mostly pitching it around in the wind, and in short order, a gentleman and his teenage son from the next site over came and helped me set up. I felt awkward and so did they, but they sure put things together quickly before going on their way.

They are part of a series of campsites of African American families with tents, trucks and U-Hauls. This isn't Detroit, because black people don't camp in the wilds of Michigan (probably due to the predominance of rednecks) just BBQ and throw big ass picnics. And it sure ain't Detroit without the metal drum retro-fitted BBQs!

So after getting my camp set up yesterday - tent, stove, chair, etc., I treked on out to the beach. I sat on a small rise as a gull came and ate a small see-through crab I'd noticed a few moments before. Then, as I walked along the crashing waves to let the rolling foam lap my ankles, there were these tiny little birds running along. I remember them from visiting N. Carolina's outer banks with Werner in 2002. These little guys are white on the underside and a mottled gray/brown on top, with a longish pointy beak. They run along the edge of the wavess, seeming to prefer where the water has just pulled back seconds ago. They scurry and quickly, so quickly poke their beaks in and out of the sand, while watching for the next crash of waves. Playing chicken was never so cute!

As I mentioned the wind was really something yesterday, and I continued to re-adjust the staking and rain tarp on my tent, to keep it both up and dry.

I waited to be sure it was going to stay up before bothering to load in my stuff. Once it had been standing a few hours without taking flight, I put my sleeping bag (red and 'Hungry Man' sized), under-pad, cute pillow, mexican blanket, and purple bag with my electronics, bathroom stuff, clothes, etc in there, plus my lantern (battery powered).

I was wondering if trail mix and protein bars were in my future for dinner, because the wind seemed too agressive for my new Coleman stove to possibly work. Well, I tried, and it worked! I made tri-color rotini pasta, cooked with a dollup of veggie oil in salty water, just like home. I tossed that up with pesto, and served it with grilled bratwurst.

It may sound like a small thing, but I am proud of getting that stove out of the box, and getting it set up, and connecting the propane, and making it work. I've never done that before.

A bit of technical cooking prep here: I bought a 15 USD cookset from Walmart on clearance (online, like how would I find a Walmart, living in DC?). I used the big pot to make pasta, with its handy cover. I dig the little salt and pepper shakers that are covered, and I just prepare myself for how much escapes during transit.

I put small portions of oil, pesto and miracle whip in little tupperware (rubbermaid) containers, put them in ziplocs, and put them in the cooler. Flawless thus far.

I brought way too much booze, as I managed to drink 2.5 Smirnoff Ice's, and most of the first one was while I was making dinner for myself.

Thursday 08-06-08 Commute Home

On the bus

I'm on my way home. For feeling crappy, lethargic and tired today, I managed to do 'enough'.

I went to work - big bonus. I am having my period with a minimum amount of misery and cramping. I went to the gym (cheer!!) In spite of exhaustion and a sore hip. I did manage to be productive enough ... And I remembered my meeting with the foundation lady that I totally blew about 2 weeks ago. Whew!

Is that enough positive stuff? I also used my new headphones at the gym (awesome!).

So, yeah, I need to shave my legs and I weigh a LOT. However, I did just quit smoking and I am also off amphetemines so what is expected?

My stomach is much better given I laid off the milk in the lattees!

I ordered a sewing machine today and new project books. I am taking care of myself MUCH better!